What You Wanted To Say In That Email

If I’ve learned anything during my two month stint in the adult workforce it’s that emails are the living worst. No one really says what they mean cause you have to be pretty polite and a lot of people are just no good at expressing themselves through text. Also, I used “salty” in an email the other day as in “these people are gonna be super salty you put them in groups please tell them and don’t make me do it” and no one really understood what I was saying. So anyways here’s what we email our coworkers, and what we really mean.

Email: We would like to invite you to watch your interns give their final presentations. The event is Wednesday July 23 starting at 9am in Sao Paulo. There will be bagels and coffee.

Meaning: Come eat breakfast while you see if the eight weeks you’ve spent dealing with an intern was even a little bit profitable. They had to have learned something.

Email: Just following up on my phone call a few weeks ago, we haven’t yet received admissions materials from your school. Is there anything else we need to do?

Meaning: If you make me call and listen to your recording of the hours your admissions office is open one more time I’m going to drive up to Indiana and make perfectly sure that no one ever attends your university again.

Email: Just a reminder that the college fair is tomorrow! You should all be there at nine, wearing a school t-shirt and ready to talk about your school. Please don’t be late!

Meaning: I’ve spent three and a half weeks fielding calls from admissions counselors that for the life of them can’t understand what a college fair is. I would strongly encourage you to show up tomorrow and sit behind a table and smile, if only to preserve my sanity.

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