ANGERMGMT: A Love Story

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Every university has a physical activity requirement that causes widespread agony among the freshmen, Cedarville’s is called Physical Activity in the Christian Life. To pass PACL, you have to play some sort of intramural. Or you could lie about playing an intramural, but my friends wouldn’t let me do that. So freshman year we banded together to form a basketball team and called ourselves Anger MGMT. And what started as an obligation became a legacy.

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The time we won the national championships by losing every game in the season.

     Now I’m not good at basketball. Really not good at basketball. I’m athletic enough to not die, but I panic whenever I get the ball and throw it as fast as I can, normally out of bounds. We lost every game by at least 20 points. We skipped half of our own games because it was too cold outside to walk that far. But for some reason, despite our legendary failings, we thought this was something to hold on to.
    Sophomore year, Anger MGMT expanded. We made shirts with gold spray paint and had a solitary practice session where we tried to learn pick and rolls. At the end of the season we successfully executed a play we learned in an actual game. We recruited a medley of coaches.We had fans. And we triumphed, losing one game by only 13 points. What we lacked in technical skill, we always made up for in heart. We ran tirelessly, we dove for the ball, we fell down a lot. We also took our talents to the dodgeball courts, much the way Lebron took his talents to Miami. And just like Lebron, it was a long lesson in embarrassing ourselves in the gym.
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    But this year, this year was big. Ultimate Frisbee. Frisbee is coed, which meant for the first time Anger MGMT was in the possession of people who actually cared if we won the games. Our team rotated around the axis of Ryan, our golden boy, the real MVP, the only one of us who actually knew the structure of an ultimate frisbee game. He plays on Cedarville’s club team and he taught us the technical lingo and ran us through drills and was very patient when we dropped the frisbee over and over again.
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Every game was close. This was none of the losing-by-thirty that we’d grown so accustomed to. Anger MGMT was in this. Frisbee was our SPORT. The boys ran for long passes to the end zone, the girls worked a hard front of defense, I mostly stared aggressively at the boys I guarded who always seemed to think they were still open. In one game, a boy ran directly into Ryan, which I imagine is a lot like running into a tank, and got a bloody nose. As a comm major, what I lack in sports prowess I make up for in verbal harassment of the other team, and I threatened to make his nose bleed again if he didn’t calm it down a little bit.
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It all came down to the last game. It was cold, and we were outmatched by a long shot, but we had the full roster and Anger MGMT was raring to go. This was the game we were going to win. We were up at the half, but as the score dipped in the direction of the other team I lost all hope. Luckily the rest of the team doesn’t have the same impulses to throw the game and go get pizza that I do. Every successful catch was a Gift From Above. We knew we couldn’t do this on our own, but we had double the heart and triple the screaming on the sideline. The score was 12-13 them, 14 wins the game, when Hunter caught a pass in the endzone that would’ve gotten him a full ride to a state school. We were tied. It all came down to this. The clock was out and we were playing the last point and I had isolated myself on the sideline trying not to slip into a coma from the pressure of it all. A throw, a catch, and, is this reality? Anger MGMT has won. Year three, sport three, game four, and we pulled out a victory against our undefeated rivals. We stormed the field screaming and hugging and Ryan reminded us to be sportsman-like, and God bless the other team, they didn’t even punch us for being rudely excited. We hoisted Joy on our shoulders and we laughed at our frisbee skill and it was a moment to be recorded in the history books. God bless Anger MGMT, and God bless America.
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