I was originally going to write a post about which NFL team was most like your love life. So, fully immersed in research, I called my friend Tyler to soak in some of his knowledge. It’s amazing how much boys know about sports. I think it’s just born into you guys, I could study for hours a day but the name Larry Bird still wouldn’t trigger any sort of response. So he was telling me about every team in the NFL, and something greater was born. A comprehensive analysis of every team in the NFL as a girl that you might potentially date.
Now bear with me, some of these are mean. Some of you may look at who I make your team out to be and never speak to me again. But this is also a handy guide in finding a team to love! You just oughta know what you’re getting yourself into. (Also useful, assigning every person in your life to a team. Watch out.)
We’re going to tackle about 4 teams a week. If you have any ideas or you’ve put a lot of thought into this at 3am when you were supposed to be writing a paper and you’re SURE you have the 49ers nailed, by all means shoot me an email.
Chicago Bears: We’ll start where it hurts. The Bears are the girl you love. You love her and you date her for like five years, something ridiculous, but she just keeps breaking your heart. Every time you think she’ll be nicer, but she’s just leading you on. You finally break up with her, but there’s a piece of you that will always love her and you don’t even really know why.
New England Patriots: The Patriots are the teacher’s pet. She’s smart and she’s cute and she’s got everything going for her, but you hate her anyways. She’s doing everything right, you’d probably be better off if you liked her instead of the Dolphins of the world, but there just doesn’t seem to be any other way.
Buffalo Bills: The Bills are the dating equivalent of Taylor Swift’s You Belong With Me. She’s your best friend, and she’s vying for your heart, but you could never date her. It just doesn’t feel right. She’s loyal and she’s so nice, but there is no way in this world.
Carolina Panthers: The Panthers are your best friend’s little sister. She’s gonna be real cute one day, she’s got potential written all over her. But you’d better stay away for now.
Come back next Sunday for Part Two!