Who Really Is The NFL? Part Two


When I started these series, I promised a post every week. You could argue that it isn’t even a series, it’s just one post and a lot of broken promises. Please forgive me.

This is an analysis of every team in the NFL as a girl you might potentially date: face-off edition. This is the bonus round. Not only are we talking about the personalities of these teams, we’re talking about who would win in a fight. It’s important to note that I am not talking about who will win the actual football games. If you’re looking for that, let me refer you to just about anyone else.

(This is brought to you by my NFL app without which I would be devoid of any and all football knowledge and I wish they were paying me to say this)


Game 1: Ravens v Patriots

Ravens: It’s hard to not like the Ravens. Of course she’s got a record, but for some reason that makes her even more compelling. Even if you think she’s a little rough around the edges, you can’t deny that she’s found her niche. And she’s working it. (Plus her eyeliner is impeccable.)

I talked about the Patriots last time and said this: The Patriots are the teacher’s pet. She’s smart and she’s cute and she’s got everything going for her, but you hate her anyways. She’s doing everything right, you’d probably be better off if you liked her instead of the Dolphins of the world, but there just doesn’t seem to be any other way.

Who would win in a fight: At the end of the day, no one likes the teacher’s pet. The Ravens could steal the Patriots’ lunch money any day of the week and we’d all pretend we didn’t notice.


Game 2: Panthers v Seahawks

I covered the Panthers last time too, but here’s your refresher: The Panthers are your best friend’s little sister. She’s gonna be real cute one day, she’s got potential written all over her. But you’d better stay away for now.

Seahawks: This girl is rock solid, but what seals the deal is her friends. You know they’ve got her back 100%, and boy do they know how to party.

Who would win in a fight: You know the girls that are like “Break my best friend’s heart and I’ll break your face”? The Seahawks mean it. They are loyal and they will cut you. There’s no competition here.


Game 3: Cowboys v Packers

Cowboys: The Cowboys are the Kardashians of the football world. She’s as loved as she is hated, but everyone has an opinion. And you just can’t help but pay attention.

Packers: The girl has got roots. She’s going to invite you over to her house fast enough to make you nervous, and you’ll be introduced to everyone from her infant 2nd cousin to the pictures of great-great grandma on the wall. She’s comfortable, she’s established, and she’s stable. But she has a weird thing with cheese that you’re still not sure you’re cool with

Who would win in a fight: The Packers are more likable any day of the week, but Kardashian’s got claws. The Cowboys take this one.


Game 4: Colts v Broncos

Colts: Colts are the girl next door. She’s wholesome and low-key, and for some reason you trust her right away. She might not be the most wild or attention grabbing, but you know she’s a gem.

Broncos: Everyone wants a Bronco. Sometimes I’m walking around and I see someone and I think, “hm, maybe he’s a Bronco.” But it’s too good to be true. This girl’s got everything. She’s balanced, she’s active, she’s versatile. You can go to the opera and then go bowling any you know she’ll make you laugh the whole time. Just propose already.

Who would win in a fight: This is an amicable match. I almost think they wouldn’t even want to fight each other. They’d just high-five cause they’re both rocking it and then go camping or something.


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