I don’t really know how to say this, so I’ll come right out with it. Some of you just aren’t very angsty. You smile too much and laugh at professor’s jokes when they’re not funny and are just generally pretty agreeable.
Thank goodness I’m here to help.
Here are four ways to put your angst through the roof. In like, a totally apathetic way.
How many times a day do you think you roll your eyes? Multiply that by six. That’s how often you should be rolling your eyes. To the angsty, everything is a burden. Walking around, making conversations, even breathing is a strain but I tried going without that for a while and it didn’t go well. You’re not sighing nearly enough. Remember, you’re exasperated.
Your nails have to be black and your lips have to be red. If you have that choker you used to wear in the fifth grade, now is the time to pull it back out. Black is your base line, everything else is a compliment. Because you’re always mourning something.
3. Think about Holden Caufield.
I’m making the case that Holden Caufield is the angstiest character literature has ever given us. He hates himself, he hates his life, he resents his parents. But at the same time, he desperately wants to love everything. Here are some quotes to get you in the zone.
“I am always saying “Glad to’ve met you” to somebody I’m not at all glad I met. If you want to stay alive, you have to say that stuff, though.”
“People are always ruining things for you.”
“I’m just sick of ego, ego, ego. My own and everybody else’s. I’m sick of everybody that wants to get somewhere, do something distinguished and all, be somebody interesting. It’s disgusting.”
“I’m the most terrific liar you ever saw in your life. It’s awful. If I’m on my way to the store to buy a magazine, even, and somebody asks me where I’m going, I’m liable to say I’m going to the opera. It’s terrible.”
“People always clap for the wrong reasons.”
“All morons hate it when you call them a moron.”
Holden is my hero.
4. Incorporate the lingo
Every tribe has a language, and the tribe of angst is no exception. Throw in a few of these suckers and you’re sure to get results. Tone is huge on this. Remember, these people are putting you out simply by making eye contact with you.
- I’m fine.
- Don’t worry about it.
- Mind your own business.
- Get off my back.
- I’m so over this.
See you tomorrow, stay angsty.