Requirements for a Friend

Girl, have standards okay? You deserve people who want to be in your life and will make time for you!!! If she doesn’t rip her newborn baby off her breast to come to your aid when Sean breaks up with you, she. is. not. your. friend. If she won’t take two weeks off of work to celebrate your wedding (the Most Important Day of Your Life), she. is. not. your. friend. Here are all of the requirements for a Good Friend in your Twenties (the most important years of your life, don’t you compromise!!!).

  1. Has a pulse
  2. Responds to your texts at least once a month, but always apologizes for not responding sooner
  3. Will patiently wait while you talk about yourself for 30 minutes before she talks about herself for 30 minutes
  4. Comments “omg hottie, ily xxxx” on every single Instagram photo you post (even when it’s of a bush, or your great-aunt on her birthday, or light smudges you accidentally posted at 2 a.m. on Tuesday night)
  5. Choose one: enough friends in common to talk about their ridiculous life choices / one common hobby / is conveniently located (lives in the same city as you)
  6. Doesn’t get mad at you when you make plans and bail
  7. Makes plans with you and bails two times a week or less
  8. Believes firmly in dismantling the patriarchy; doesn’t call you for bullshit when you let your boyfriend buy you dinner every night
  9. Can inform you on: politics / pop culture / the local restaurant scene, or provides general entertainment if no knowledge
  10. Makes you feel good / makes you look cool
  11. Will tirelessly affirm your questionable and maybe self-destructive choices so you don’t think your life is going off the rails
  12. Will bring you ice cream without judgement when your life is undeniably going off the rails
  13. Keeps you connected to your “roots” / will help you get where you’re going (via business connections, knowledge, or general encouragement)
  14. Promises to support you in publishing that book, starting that business, surviving day-to-day life without injury
  15. Supports you roughly 30 percent of the time (less than most strangers)
  16. Distracts you from the futility of life on this earth often enough that you don’t spiral into a black hole of misery
  17. Provides a measuring stick upon which you can gauge your performance and adjust self-esteem accordingly
  18. Knows your coffee order
  19. Is honestly still so much better than having to hang out with a man

 

Design: Curry Campbell

Feature Photo: Hunter Folsom

 

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